


real things

by Areiton



Series: in the cold, we find warmth [4]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Recovering, Developing Relationship, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 11:47:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19228540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Areiton/pseuds/Areiton
Summary: “Why did you let him go, Sir?” JARVIS asks, one night when Tony is staring at a bottle of Balvenie. He hasn’t drunk since Jamie vanished. He thinks if he starts, he might not stop.“Because he made that choice,” Tony says, tired.





	real things

He gets the notice in the middle of the night. He isn’t asleep--he’s sitting up in bed, waiting. Because he knew. 

He knew this was coming. 

“Sir, Sergeant Barnes did not get on his train.”

Tony closes his eyes. 

“Sir, would you like me to--” 

“No, J,” he says, cutting the AI off before the offer is fully formed. 

JARVIS is quiet and he sighs. “Turn it off. I don’t want--I don’t want to know where he is. Monitor, and if he’s in danger, let me know. Otherwise, give him his privacy.” 

The silence is loaded, almost like JARVIS disapproves--but he doesn’t argue, and Tony mutes him. 

~*~ 

It hurts. It’s surprising, just how much it hurts. Because he got used to the feed from Jamie’s drone, filling up the workshop, his soft voice, the sounds of life reassuring him that the other man was there, that everything was ok with him. 

Now there’s just silence and wondering, and a constant ache in his gut that makes him sick. 

“Why did you let him go, Sir?” JARVIS asks, one night when Tony is staring at a bottle of Balvenie. He hasn’t drunk since Jamie vanished. He thinks if he starts, he might not stop. 

“Because he made that choice,” Tony says, tired. He’s so fucking tired. “He made it, and he’s had seventy years of Hydra making choices for him--I’m not going to be the one who takes his choices away.” 

JARVIS doesn’t respond to that, and Tony goes back to the ‘shop, and cleans DUMM-E again, because working is better than drinking. 

~*~ 

Steve comes by a month after Jamie disappears. He looks tired, but hopeful, and Tony listens as he talks about a lead Wilson is chasing in Brazil, as he explains that he’s going down to help. He rambles to a stop, eventually, and looks at Tony. “Is there anything you can do?” 

“What did you have in mind? Updates on the gear?” 

Steve makes a wordless noise of irritation and Tony sighs. Rubs his eyes. “I’ve told you--he doesn’t want to be found. He’s got seventy years of training--and JARVIS is good but if the man doesn’t want to be found--he won’t be.” 

“It’s dangerous for him, out there by himself,” Steve says, softly and Tony suppresses his shiver. 

“Then do something about Hydra instead of hunting a ghost. He’ll come in when he’s ready.” 

Steve is quiet and then, soft and almost desperate, “Do you really believe that.” 

“Yeah,” Tony says, “I do.” 

I have to. 

~*~ 

“Is he--” 

“Sergeant Barnes is nowhere near Brazil, Sir,” JARVIS answers, and Tony drops, shaking, on his bed. 

~*~ 

There’s an empty place. Where Jamie should be, and isn’t. 

He works because he has to and he doesn’t drink and sometimes, he goes out on missions because that’s his damn job. 

But he feels like everything is stuck, a holding pattern that he doesn’t want to be in, waiting on someone who ran from him. 

He goes to his shop and he works on an arm that might never be used. He goes to his room and lies in bed, staring at a ceiling and wondering where Jamie is. He goes out in the suit and wonders if Jamie would fly with him, goes to Gala’s and wishes Jamie was there to distract him. The world feels empty, and he knows it’s stupid. 

He  _ knows _ that he is caught up on a fantasy, not even something  _ real. _

But Jamie is. 

Jamie is real and he can’t help but remember the way he’d smile, soft and pleased by Tony’s presents, the way his hair would fall and curtain his face, when he was shy, the laughter in his eyes when he teased the drone. 

The way his screams sounded, when he had nightmares, and the way his shaking slowed and stopped, while Tony murmured to him from thousands of miles away. 

It wasn’t real--just a voice and a projection, a drone a world away and a man he had no rights to, should have told Steve about ages ago--

But it feels like the realest thing he’s ever had. 

 


End file.
